I Have No Concept

Cole and I went to Old Navy Monday evening in search of a couple of inexpensive pairs of shorts to get me through the summer. And apparently, I have no concept of what my own body looks like...

I still have a hard time not grabbing the 12s off of the rack when I look for shorts and pants. (At least I no longer consider the 14s.) Cole even gave me a hard time when I reached for a couple of 10s to try on. I ended up buying an 8 in a cute little skirt. (The skirt is wider than it is long, but it's so cute!!!)

But when looking at a cute little white t-shirt with a tied neckline, I was looking for a medium on the rack. There wasn't a medium, so I took a large into the dressing room. Sometimes I forget that I have Daddy's broad shoulders and that my chest is, well, the size that it is. The large was a bit too tight across the chest and very blousy through the waist. I did not buy it.

So, I need to work on my body image, on the way my mind thinks about my body. My hips and thighs are not as big as I have painted them in my thoughts. And I'm very proud to have my strong shoulders. It feels so weird to write those things down. But I guess the more I can think positively about such things, the better I'll do along my journey.

My day in points...

Breakfast: Quaker Morning Minis: 3 points
banana: 2 points

Lunch: English muffin pizzas: 4 points
cantaloupe: 1 point
snack cakes: 1 point

Afternoon snack: popcorn: 2 points

Dinner: grilled chicken: 5 points
steamed green beans: 0 points
English muffin: 1 point

TOTAL: 19 points.

I Fear Going Back

Sometimes I forget that I've lost 40 pounds. My hand still automatically goes to the size 12s on the rack when I'm shopping, and I have to make a conscious, deliberate shift to a smaller size. I guess it's good that I don't look at the 14s any longer though. hehe

I have only 8ish pounds to go before reaching my goal, but sometimes when I have a day where the scale inches up a pound because I didn't drink enough water the day before or had a heavy dinner, I still worry that I'll turn around and the number will have rocketed back up to where I started. I'm determined to not let that happen though. I have set my red-flag weight afterall.

I did have a pretty cool "is that me?" moment last week though. I caught my reflection in the window at the restaurant where we were waiting to be seated, and I didn't recognize my own hips and thighs. In a good way!!! And I'm trying to remind myself of moments like that when I step on the scale and don't see the progress I want for that week: I have made big-picture progress.

I'm sure Cole just loves it when I squeal in a restaurant and say, "Honey, look at my thighs!!!"

Breakfast: oatmeal: 3 points

Mid-morning snack: banana: 2 points

Lunch: BBQ pita: 6 points
chips and salsa: 3 points
peanut butter cookie: 2 points

Afternoon snack: artichoke hearts: 1 point

Dinner: sushi rolls with Kellie: 6 points

TOTAL: 23 points.

I Saw It

Well, I finally saw it yesterday evening. I had just stepped out of the shower and there is was, staring at me in the mirror. It as a little bit of change. I'm not talking about a couple of nickels, but a tad bit of a transformation in my reflection.

I think anyone who has lost weight or struggled with their weight has always kept a particular picture of themselves in their minds no matter what the scale says. For me, at least in my warped thinking, I still weigh about 180 pounds. But I'm working on that, on seeing myself differently.

I remember recently seeing a girl walking across a parking lot in jeans that were way too tight and a t-shirt that was way too small. You've seen her, too, with her middle section hanging over the top of her jeans and fabric so tight across her tummy that you can make out her bellybutton... I told Cole that that is what I look like in my mind. He called me "f***ing crazy" and shook his head, which I took as a loving compliment. He's so sweet.

But looking at myself in the mirror yesterday evening, trying not to focus on the army of wrinkles beginning to invade the country known as my face, I could see a slimmer image. Not of my body, I'm not ready to look that closely yet, but around my face and neck. My neck is a bit slimmer. My jawline too. And losing a little bit of fluff around my face makes my eyes look bigger. What a motivator that is to keep going...

Ten more pounds, prepare to have your butt kicked!!!

How my day added up...

Breakfast: whole wheat pita pocket with eggs and salsa: 5 points

Lunch: hot dog: 5 points
fresh strawberries: 1 point (that yummy photo above is actually from our lunch)

Afternoon snack: graham crackers and peanut butter: 6 points

Dinner: grilled chicken: 5 points
steamed green beans: 1 point

TOTAL: 23 points. I'll take it.