Wednesday Food Journal

Breakfast: Carnation chocolate drink: 3 points
banana: 2 points

Lunch: Lean Cuisine pizza: 7 points
chips and salsa: 3 points

Afternoon snack: banana: 2 points
yogurt: 1 point

Dinner: hot dog: 7 points
fruit cup: 1 point

TOTAL: 26. Terrible. But hey, at least I'm keeping track...

Back From My Hissy Fit, I Think

Well, I took the better part of the last three weeks to pout and throw a little hissy fit, mad at the world that I have to count points and calories and skip beautiful desserts when other people don't. I was sick of thinking about it, worrying about it, obsessing about it. And obsessing I was... It was just too much, so I took a couple of steps back.

I've seen many people blog and lose a bit of weight, only to get restless and defeated somewhere along the way and fall off of the face of the blogging world, getting lost in the food court. I don't want that to happen. I still want this to work. I still want to lose some more weight and pay attention to getting healthier. But I'm going to approach it a bit differently for a while. I'm still going to blog and count points, but the Weight Watchers corporate folks will not be getting my money for a while, and I won't be pulling my hair out sitting in meetings with women who want to cheat the system by adding fiber to their chocolate cake and talk about how they got where they by are eating only veggies and fruits. I can't take them any more...

So, I'll be counting my own points. And I can't handle disclosing my current weight at this point, but let's just say my hissy fit allowed a few pounds to creep on. As soon as I can get down to a manageable 155 again, I'll share the numbers with the four people who read this blog and go from there. I needed this break/fit/hiatus (don't we all sometimes?!), but I feel like I'm ready to finish out the week in a positive way... We shall see!!!

Breakfast: Carnation chocolate drink: 3 points
banana: 2 points

Lunch: flatbread sandwich: 7 points
dill pickles: 0 points
snack cakes: 1 point

Afternoon snack: apple: 1 point
yogurt: 1 point
all sprinkled with cinnamon
(The new Fiber One yogurt is good by the way.)

Dinner: salsa chicken: 5 points
steamed rice: 3 points

TOTAL: 23 points. Not perfect, but I'll take it.

I Have No Concept

Cole and I went to Old Navy Monday evening in search of a couple of inexpensive pairs of shorts to get me through the summer. And apparently, I have no concept of what my own body looks like...

I still have a hard time not grabbing the 12s off of the rack when I look for shorts and pants. (At least I no longer consider the 14s.) Cole even gave me a hard time when I reached for a couple of 10s to try on. I ended up buying an 8 in a cute little skirt. (The skirt is wider than it is long, but it's so cute!!!)

But when looking at a cute little white t-shirt with a tied neckline, I was looking for a medium on the rack. There wasn't a medium, so I took a large into the dressing room. Sometimes I forget that I have Daddy's broad shoulders and that my chest is, well, the size that it is. The large was a bit too tight across the chest and very blousy through the waist. I did not buy it.

So, I need to work on my body image, on the way my mind thinks about my body. My hips and thighs are not as big as I have painted them in my thoughts. And I'm very proud to have my strong shoulders. It feels so weird to write those things down. But I guess the more I can think positively about such things, the better I'll do along my journey.

My day in points...

Breakfast: Quaker Morning Minis: 3 points
banana: 2 points

Lunch: English muffin pizzas: 4 points
cantaloupe: 1 point
snack cakes: 1 point

Afternoon snack: popcorn: 2 points

Dinner: grilled chicken: 5 points
steamed green beans: 0 points
English muffin: 1 point

TOTAL: 19 points.

On the Fence

I believe my mind is officially on the fence over this whole weight-loss issue.

On one side: I'm down 33 pounds from my highest weight ever. And that is such an accomplishment. I'm trying to make sure I tell myself that is a great success. I'm proud of all 33.

On the other side: I have 15 more pounds that I'd love to lose, but for some reason I've lost my motivation. I'm making myself miserable stressing over these last 15. Beating myself up and feeling guilty over each little one pound in the group of 15.

So I need a push. I need a reason to keep going, to keep losing. I need new motivation. I need a kick in the pants.

Breakfast: yogurt: 2 points
Quaker Morning Minis: 3 points
(I realized this morning that I had been calculating my yogurt at 1 instead of the proper 2. Sigh.)

Lunch: Smart Ones quesadilla: 4 points
banana: 2 points
snack cakes: 1 point

Afternoon snack: apple and peanut butter: 5 points

Dinner: Smart Ones quesadilla: 4 points
pretzels: 2 points
snack cakes: 1 point

TOTAL: 24 points. Where is my kick in the pants???

Pitiful

Pitiful. Weak. Outta control.

One good day and four bad ones are not good for the weight-loss process.

I'll get it together. Right after I eat this ice cream...

Tuesday Food Journal

Breakfast: 1 cup Cheerios: 2 points
1/2 cup soymilk: 1 point

Lunch: chicken flauta: 4 points
plain tortilla: 2 points
cantaloupe: 1 point
snack cakes: 1 point

Afternoon snack: banana: 2 points
string cheese: 1 point

Dinner: grilled chicken: 5 points
roasted asparagus: 1 point
roasted tomato: 0 points

TOTAL: 20 points.

Last Day of Bootcamp

Well, the last day was supposed to be last Thursday, but Stephanie was sick one evening so our bootcamp time was extended a day. We had our final fitness evaluation this evening. In the last three weeks, I've shaved 1:02 off of my timed mile, 1/2 an inch from my waist, 1/2 an inch from my hips and 1/4 of an inch from one of my calves. That may sound odd, but they're even now. Oh, and I gained a pound...

Over the last couple of days, I've written down lots of the exercises that she had us doing. I'm hoping Cole and I can get back into our running routine and I can squeeze some bootcamp moves in too.

Tomorrow, I'm back to counting points. I need to quite griping and crying about it and just do it. I do so much better when I'm accountable. Especially to myself...

Random Thoughts in No Particular Order

I haven't been watching what a I eat very much at all the last couple of weeks. I guess with bootcamp I expected the pounds to just drip right off of me, and I let counting points slip a bit. A lot. I'm pretty disgusted after stepping on the scale this morning, so I'm skipping my meeting to pout.

I'm so sick of worrying about it all the time.

One good number that came out of this week: When we first started bootcamp, we ran a "test" mile. We also tested on how many push-ups we could do in a minute, how long we could hold the plank, etc. Well, all of those numbers improved when we retested Thursday evening. I shaved a minute and two seconds off of my mile time. I was very pleased.

I hope to use this weekend to just regroup. To dig deep and find my motivation. To keep looking toward to looking good in a bathing suit as summer gets closer and closer. If I knew how to spell out a frustrated scream, I would...