Lost

Why is this an issue for me? Why do I have to obsess and worry and fret? I know all the rules and tips and tricks, why can't I just use them?

I'm kinda at the point of not knowing what to do, just kinda lost. I mean, I know what to do: Eat less, eat better, move more. But I'm missing something somewhere. There's a disconnect between the knowing and doing. How do I bring it together? How do I get some momentum toward healthier?

Here's what I'm gonna try today: Just tracking calories. Good, bad or ugly, I'll be putting them here. I think that's part of the issue for me: accountability. Working from home, I'm afraid I'm taking on this "the calories don't count if no one sees me eat them" attitude. Maybe the simple act of tracking -- of showing the world what's going into my mouth and onto my hips -- will make a difference. Here we go!

Breakfast: Sugar-free cappuccino: 50 calories
cereal: 150 calories
1/2 cup fat-free milk: 40 calories
banana: 80 calories
(total: 320 calories)

Lunch: tuna and crackers: 210 calories
steamed veggies and butter: 150 calories
(total: 360 calories)

Afternoon snack: 1/4 cup peanut butter M&Ms: 230 calories
(total: 230 calories)

Dinner: grilled cheese sandwich: 400 calories
vegetable soup: 70 calories
Hostess snack cakes: 100 calories
(total: 570 calories)

Total for the day: 1480 calories. That seemed much easier that it normally is for me. Maybe the trick for me is the tracking, the accountability, the honestly with myself. And maybe I'll count calories again tomorrow.

How Did This Happen?

I'm disgusted with myself. I've officially becoming a yo-yo dieter and a woman who struggles with her weight. I know that. I know what I've done wrong, and I know what I need to do to fix it. It's just the doing that is getting me stuck...

When I look in the mirror, I don't see an overweight woman, but even when I was at my lowest weight, I didn't see a thin person. I see it in pictures, and the way my clothes fit, and the way my body feels. I'm disgusted.

We have a little trip coming up soon, and I'm in a total panic that there will be about nine cameras within reach of the six people we'll be hanging out with. I really need to use that time away to resolve to getting back on track -- not dieting -- but back on track to being healthier. Let's face it: I'm not getting any younger!

Holy Cow!

I stepped on the scale this morning. I don't remember the last time I did. It was time.

I'm disgusted.

So, here we go...

I've been making horrible choices and lots of them lately. We haven't been running since before our trip to NYC, so it's time to start that up again too.

Breakfast: chocolate bran muffin: 1 point
banana: 2 points

Lunch: chicken flautas: 8 points
apple: 1 point

Afternoon snack: banana: 2 points

Dinner: soup: 4 points
half grilled cheese: 4 points
chips: 1 point

TOTAL: 23 points. I'll take it!

Turning Point

I did not weigh Saturday. I didn't want to and I knew I wouldn't have posted a loss anyway. So I ate with abandon over the weekend. Cupcakes, wings, hamburgers, the whole bit. And I felt physically horrible because of it.

Monday evening after work we ran, and I continued to feel horrible. Heavy, tired, slow, puffy. I knew it was the terrible eating over the weekend, and I don't want to feel like that. I am coming to realize that the better I eat, the better I run. And the better (more) I run, the better I eat. It's a great cycle to get myself into, and I'm trying.

I am also on day two of no caffeine. My head is finally starting to feel like it's deflating and is a normal size again, and the pounding has slowed to a gentle thump. I didn't set out to cut the caffeine from my day, but it's an indirect result of me finally telling myself the truth about my morning vanilla lattes. I wasn't counting the points. I was having one each morning and somewhere in my mind I was letting myself believe that they didn't count. That if they did count, I was walking them off every day when I was walking dogs. That it took me an hour to drink one, so the points were going into my system so slowly they didn't count.

And even though when I stepped on our home scale this morning I was still up from the weekend, I feel like I've turned a corner. One where I'm more honest with myself. As much as I'd like to be thin by next Monday, I know that ultimately this is a lifelong journey toward health. The shape of my body is just a side effect.

Back From My Hissy Fit, I Think

Well, I took the better part of the last three weeks to pout and throw a little hissy fit, mad at the world that I have to count points and calories and skip beautiful desserts when other people don't. I was sick of thinking about it, worrying about it, obsessing about it. And obsessing I was... It was just too much, so I took a couple of steps back.

I've seen many people blog and lose a bit of weight, only to get restless and defeated somewhere along the way and fall off of the face of the blogging world, getting lost in the food court. I don't want that to happen. I still want this to work. I still want to lose some more weight and pay attention to getting healthier. But I'm going to approach it a bit differently for a while. I'm still going to blog and count points, but the Weight Watchers corporate folks will not be getting my money for a while, and I won't be pulling my hair out sitting in meetings with women who want to cheat the system by adding fiber to their chocolate cake and talk about how they got where they by are eating only veggies and fruits. I can't take them any more...

So, I'll be counting my own points. And I can't handle disclosing my current weight at this point, but let's just say my hissy fit allowed a few pounds to creep on. As soon as I can get down to a manageable 155 again, I'll share the numbers with the four people who read this blog and go from there. I needed this break/fit/hiatus (don't we all sometimes?!), but I feel like I'm ready to finish out the week in a positive way... We shall see!!!

Breakfast: Carnation chocolate drink: 3 points
banana: 2 points

Lunch: flatbread sandwich: 7 points
dill pickles: 0 points
snack cakes: 1 point

Afternoon snack: apple: 1 point
yogurt: 1 point
all sprinkled with cinnamon
(The new Fiber One yogurt is good by the way.)

Dinner: salsa chicken: 5 points
steamed rice: 3 points

TOTAL: 23 points. Not perfect, but I'll take it.

On the Fence

I believe my mind is officially on the fence over this whole weight-loss issue.

On one side: I'm down 33 pounds from my highest weight ever. And that is such an accomplishment. I'm trying to make sure I tell myself that is a great success. I'm proud of all 33.

On the other side: I have 15 more pounds that I'd love to lose, but for some reason I've lost my motivation. I'm making myself miserable stressing over these last 15. Beating myself up and feeling guilty over each little one pound in the group of 15.

So I need a push. I need a reason to keep going, to keep losing. I need new motivation. I need a kick in the pants.

Breakfast: yogurt: 2 points
Quaker Morning Minis: 3 points
(I realized this morning that I had been calculating my yogurt at 1 instead of the proper 2. Sigh.)

Lunch: Smart Ones quesadilla: 4 points
banana: 2 points
snack cakes: 1 point

Afternoon snack: apple and peanut butter: 5 points

Dinner: Smart Ones quesadilla: 4 points
pretzels: 2 points
snack cakes: 1 point

TOTAL: 24 points. Where is my kick in the pants???

Pitiful

Pitiful. Weak. Outta control.

One good day and four bad ones are not good for the weight-loss process.

I'll get it together. Right after I eat this ice cream...

Monday, Monday

I feel better. I honestly don't know what was going on last week that had me so frustrated and mad at points. Points are good. Points are helpful. I wasn't making the best choices, so the points were adding up fast.

But today I feel back in control. I feel like it's possible and doable again. I feel better. And I have figured something out.

This is not new to me, I've known this for quite a while: Afternoon is my trouble time. I can have a great breakfast and a good lunch, on track for a wonderful 20-point day, when the hours between 2 and 4 p.m. creep up. I could eat 20 points in that timespan alone. I don't smoke, but that may be the time of day that I need to schedule in a 10-minute "smoke break" to walk dogs or jog around the block. It's not boredom because I'm working. It's not hunger because I just had lunch. But that's the time when my mind thinks my body needs to eat. I need to figure it out and work on it.

Like right now, it's about 5 p.m. and if I didn't eat again for the rest of the day, I'd be just fine. I made it past 4 and I'm good to go. But I will eat again this evening. Cole and I are actually taking a coworker to dinner this evening. It's her first trip to Austin and you know we like to play tour guide!!!

Tomorrow I'm back on track. I'm journaling, I'm counting points, and I'm taking a smoke break. Well, you know what I mean...

Surely Someone Else Has Been There

I've not had the best grasp on eating healthy this week. Any grasp really. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why.

My mind just hasn't wanted to count points or grams of fat and fiber. My heart isn't into measuring each cup of cereal or ounce of cheese. I'm not motivated. Until I look at myself in the mirror. Then I just get mad and eat.

I'm tired of worrying about, of thinking about it. And I really hope this feeling will resolve itself soon so I can get on with it and finally get to the goal that keeps eluding me.

Am I the only one who has ever had this lull in loss and motivation??? How did you snap yourself out of it??? Would eating a whole chocolate pecan pie get it out of my system so that I can just start fresh Monday???